Wednesday, July 2, 2008
I just put the kids to bed and had the second massive run-in with Carolina and her independence of the day and let's just say "I lost my cool" just as much as she did and it sure wasn't pretty. I put her to bed feeling so heavy and confused and at a loss of what to do with discipline so that there is a result and feeling like every extreme measure I have taken hasn't been the right one. Of course I just want the sweetheart in both of us to prevail but we've got room for improvement. I felt kind of ill to my stomach as I checked my email and got some pictures a friend sent over but golly gee, my heart was softened a bit. I decided to pull of my sad, dusty Book of Mormon off the shelf and went into Carolina's room to read a bit to her and had a little heart to heart. Some peace was restored and a feeling that we can start anew tomorrow. No matter what the mistake is I notice a part of me feels like I deserve the guilt I brought upon myself and that I should keep carrying it because I handled the situations so poorly but I consider that simple peace that was brought to my heart for a brief instant and know the simple submission to the Lord is the route he wants me to take and the route that will work. While watching a duet of dancers on TV I felt very moved. The piece was from Adele, maybe that was the name of the song, anyway...They both moved with such synch and brought me to want to know about this difficult trek they were portraying. I could taste the grit in the air and feel the sweat on their bodies. It reminded me of a dance a couple would emote during the great dust bowl where the only way to progress and even survive was to have complete faith in your partner. Recently Eli and I watched Martin Scorsese's documentary on the Rolling Stones-on the other side of the dance continuum Mick Jagger's awkward yet extremely intense energy was just as beautiful. He reminded me of me, a whole lot of passion, maybe not so much skill but who dare challenge him as a dancer. Not I, Without reservation I'd call him true blue through and through. When they sang "It is the evening of the day. I sit and watch the children play" my day passed through my mind sitting on the sidelines at the park. It is not that my kids lives are so much being enriched by my constant presence but selfishly and joyously I get to "watch the tears go by" and to watch them in the priceless moments of their youth. Their song "The Girl With the Faraway Eyes" struck a chord to me about how innate it is for men to esteem women and the root of that is actually because they may recognize a shining daughter of God when they see one...even the rough ones are diamonds to God and you truly can't help but see something there even if you don't know what it is . " Well, you know what kinda eyes she gots." Indeed. That fellow could see the longing in this girls soul through her eyes: her dreams, her hopes and her misgivings. And he was drawn to her for all of it. Wow, am I something special to have one of those fellows that sees all that in me, too.