We've decided on a baby name. Carolina went to gymnastics and worked on a correct form front roll and cartwheels. Adrianna and Moses played in the wading pool in their underwear. We played and ate lunch at the park. The kids had a babysitter and we went out on the town. They swang in the hammock Eli set up last night. Boy was that a good time. Most of these pictures were taken on the fourth of July. Life is simple and good.
June 26th, 2008 Treading the trail I smelled sweet and salty rotting air. I felt I had to close my eyes to fully inhale its fresh organic scent. As I walk on the beach i see an abandoned sandpit with two shovels and sticks remaining from a fortress. In my minds eye I imagine the kids playing and creating with the remains. They would have loved it. the sand is white with pepper sprinkles, clean, driftwood logs are everywhere. It's light and warm and breezy. The alcove opening that ended the wooded trail to the beach threshold looked like an entrance into another world, like Narnia. The beaches open expanse is missing Carolina, Moses and Adrianna footprints. I've a hunch Eli would have taken that trail less traveled by with me in hand to find a grove never touched by man for an entrancing kiss. As I just sit I consider running by the spray foam, feeling loofah sand on my feet, walking endlessly breathing each breath fully. I consider how much coastline the earth has. Just this segment seems to go on forever. I am silent with no one to speak with. I've eagerly awaited this retreat alone but realize all the trouble and quips in a days work with the kids...it's all worth it and each moment is more fulfilling with them in it. Everything we experience I want it to all be together. My taste is wet to experience another world in Brazil together. If something happens alone I feel I have no witness. Did I even experience it?
Eli took the kids strawberry picking with our friends Kathryn and Grace Mikkelsen while I was at Rockaway Beach with the Relief Society gals. They brought home beautiful red all the way through berries that tasted far better than candy. Adrianna, however, still refused even sampling them for some unknown reason. Boy did she miss out. Some of the pictures are at Mount Tabor Park. I love the extra luminescence the kids seem to have when they are out in real nature.
I just put the kids to bed and had the second massive run-in with Carolina and her independence of the day and let's just say "I lost my cool" just as much as she did and it sure wasn't pretty. I put her to bed feeling so heavy and confused and at a loss of what to do with discipline so that there is a result and feeling like every extreme measure I have taken hasn't been the right one. Of course I just want the sweetheart in both of us to prevail but we've got room for improvement. I felt kind of ill to my stomach as I checked my email and got some pictures a friend sent over but golly gee, my heart was softened a bit. I decided to pull of my sad, dusty Book of Mormon off the shelf and went into Carolina's room to read a bit to her and had a little heart to heart. Some peace was restored and a feeling that we can start anew tomorrow. No matter what the mistake is I notice a part of me feels like I deserve the guilt I brought upon myself and that I should keep carrying it because I handled the situations so poorly but I consider that simple peace that was brought to my heart for a brief instant and know the simple submission to the Lord is the route he wants me to take and the route that will work. While watching a duet of dancers on TV I felt very moved. The piece was from Adele, maybe that was the name of the song, anyway...They both moved with such synch and brought me to want to know about this difficult trek they were portraying. I could taste the grit in the air and feel the sweat on their bodies. It reminded me of a dance a couple would emote during the great dust bowl where the only way to progress and even survive was to have complete faith in your partner. Recently Eli and I watched Martin Scorsese's documentary on the Rolling Stones-on the other side of the dance continuum Mick Jagger's awkward yet extremely intense energy was just as beautiful. He reminded me of me, a whole lot of passion, maybe not so much skill but who dare challenge him as a dancer. Not I, Without reservation I'd call him true blue through and through. When they sang "It is the evening of the day. I sit and watch the children play" my day passed through my mind sitting on the sidelines at the park. It is not that my kids lives are so much being enriched by my constant presence but selfishly and joyously I get to "watch the tears go by" and to watch them in the priceless moments of their youth. Their song "The Girl With the Faraway Eyes" struck a chord to me about how innate it is for men to esteem women and the root of that is actually because they may recognize a shining daughter of God when they see one...even the rough ones are diamonds to God and you truly can't help but see something there even if you don't know what it is . " Well, you know what kinda eyes she gots." Indeed. That fellow could see the longing in this girls soul through her eyes: her dreams, her hopes and her misgivings. And he was drawn to her for all of it. Wow, am I something special to have one of those fellows that sees all that in me, too.