Saturday, July 21, 2007

July 21, 2007
Milestones cause one to reflect, how far I've come, where I am at and what direction I am headed. Tomorrow we celebrate seven years of marriage. Today I consider one thing, gratitude that Eli sees me as a complete being. A being with meaningful desires, inspiring aspirations complete and independant and precious. This seven years covers many stages. I was nearly a teenager learning identity at the age of 20, feeling mature in wisdom and stature, feeling solid and developed in my understanding of gospel doctrines and ready to embark upon a stage of union where submission to the Lord and to each other allows expression of love and loyalty to another human whom through my own will and choice would lead to beautiful creations and completions in life and forevermore. experiencing a sort of submission and dependance and not sure where boundaries of identity lie any longer when married. Learning to balance the needs of service to others, friends and the needs of each other and self. Division and addition of roles required to make a union, i was never too great at math so much learning is required. Learning to see the process is not what i do and what he does but what we do together. And then facing a tragedy of losing what we never had, a small baby with perfect hands and feet, memories carried with a heavy weight. Learning man and woman mourn differently and love differently. An amazing discovery to me was Eli's stoicism, the stoicism i refer to is not that he does not upon feeling emotion but stoicism in that he is staunch and violently severe in his commitment to lifting me up. Years pass and song lyrics gradually leak out the terrible burden he suffers, too.