Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Oh yeah, I am not guilty.

When I exit a clothing store where the greeter/loss prevention specialist cordially bids me goodbye suddenly I nervously look away, find myself slurping my own spit in nervous manner. Whoa, maybe I do need to be checked on-perhaps by someone with a slighly different expertise. Then again, maybe I am a thief and I don't even know it. Kleptomaniac. Images of Dana Carvey in Lost In Paradise. I am pretty sure in my odd nervous state I wouldn't pass a lie detector test. And I am innocent! What would I do if I were guilty? Hey, maybe I've a future...I just might be the coolest, calmest, most innocent criminal to grace this side of the Willamette. And today we had a pre-employment drug test. My warped senses rear their nasty heads again. Maybe I've breathed stale skunk-like air that had something else in it just walking down the street, maybe I ate a poppyseed muffin. You just never know. How sensitive are these things. They wouldn't let me flush the toilet after filling the specimen cup, he checked the bathroom after I left, wouldn't allow me to wash my hands unless in his presence. Senor Phlebotomist even checked around the sink piping to make sure I hadn't switched specimens. Real nice guy, very thorough, friendly manner, just doing his job but nothing like the third degree to make you think even you'd missed something.

We signed the kids up for school on day two today, we got there midmorning so the secretary suggested we just wait until tomorrow for attendance. We walked around the school and all felt great about the place. Moses' nerves were calmed an awful lot after seeing his enticing, colorful classroom with cubbies, baskets, books and toys. Paper apples the size of dinner plates and a welcome sign adorned his classroom door. Carolina will be in a 2/3 split. Day three will be for real.


skt said...

Oh man, this completely resonates with me. I feel like I always have a giant GUILTY sticker on my forehead when in fact, I'm usually innocent. Usually.

Shannon said...

Who are you SKT, I can't figure out the mystery!!